I have to say that while I am a big fan of holidays and love the whole thankful spirit of Thanksgiving, I am not overly fond of the traditional food.
Perhaps it was the field trip to Keller’s Turkey Farm in grade school. Who in the hell takes little kids to a place where turkeys are slaughtered?!! Nuns, that’s who. The men in the white coats (streaked with the bloody evidence of their slaughtering spree) would boot the doomed turkeys squarely in the butt and send them flailing through a wooden trap door. The next time we saw them, they were hanging upside down on a conveyor belt contraption MINUS THEIR HEADS! Brutal. And there were feathers everywhere. Ugh.
There would be holy hell to pay if little students were taken on a field trip like that in today’s world. I did not eat turkey again until I was well into my teens…
Which leads me to my next rant. What is up with having to clean the turkey? Why can’t they be pre-washed, like lettuce in a bag? I detest sticking my hand up a dead bird’s @ss and pulling out the bag of innards. And, I might add, those innards are more random every year. Last year, there were two hearts and no neck. Blech. I am wearing gloves this year or pawning that duty off on someone else.
Okay, and what is up with the monochromatic theme of dinner? Folks, it is a BEIGE FOOD HOLIDAY! Yeah, there are cranberries and that dreadful green bean casserole with crunchy onions from a can (WTH?) but other than that, everything is a variation of BEIGE! Even dessert!
Oh, and let’s not forget that being a late November baby, my birthday sometimes falls on Thanksgiving. That meant a birthday cake with…you guessed it…a TURKEY on it! This was particularly traumatizing after the trip to Keller’s Turkey Farm.
The alternative was a pumpkin pie with candles stuck in the gooey mush. I like pumpkin pie well enough, but not with melted wax mingled in the whipped cream.
For those coming to my house for dinner on Thursday, I challenge you to add a splash of color to the traditional menu. Let’s shake it up a bit. Bring me wine. Lots of wine. Chardonnay please, since beige is the color scheme of the day. And by the way, take the turkey carcass home with you. I don’t want picked-over dead bird bones in my trash can stewing away for a week. I’m not the one who gnaws on the legs or the wings. Barbaric, don’t you think, to savor the very limbs of the turkey that failed them in their escape attempt and landed them on a ceramic platter with…hello, a TURKEY on it?!
That is all. Don’t mind me. I must have PTSD (Post Turkey Slaughter Disorder) and a bias against any main course that even remotely resembles what it looked like when it was alive. Oh well. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Jenesis Productions 
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